I’m writing to you this week with exciting developments from my ongoing sociological research. As you know, for the past few months I have integrated myself into a group of watersports enthusiasts in Vassiliki, and made a written record of their primitive language (see my seminal findings here). Since then, I have continued my investigative research in Rhodes. I hadn’t expected to find anything new in this second research phase. I was simply looking to refine some theories, perform tests, and use up the rest of my sizable research grant.
 (demonstration of successful social integration with watersports enthusiasts |
| But in fact, this second phase of research has uncovered something fascinating. This new group of watersports enthusiasts, referred to colloquially as ‘beachies’ (pronunciation: ˈbē-chē) display entirely different traits to those found in Vasiliki. In fact, I am becoming increasingly convinced that these differences are not a product of a differing group size or dynamic, but because of a genealogical separation – a different breed certainly, and maybe even a separate species. The Rhodes breed disrupts the native population, damages the surrounding environment, and mates rampantly. A clear contrast to the Vasilikians, who live in relative harmony with their surroundings at the behest of the high winds that enable windsurfing. |
  My suspicions, which began shortly after my arrival here, were heightened in the past week. Firstly, the group assembled in a Greek taverna for a ceremonial occasion that they refer to as the ‘end of season awards’. Someone had arranged for party horns and boiled sweets to be on the table, a trifling matter that I saw no interest in sociologically. But then, the group began blowing relentlessly on the little horns for minutes on end, and throwing boiled sweets at each other from one end of the restaurant to the other. It was truly fascinating. Some downed the wine. Some chanted. Others shouted. The sweets whizzed past constantly.  Further evidence of a behavioural division came later in the week at a second ceremonial occasion, known to the group as the ‘beach team end of season awards’. Their awards had a savagery to them that I had not seen before, with awards like ‘most likely to peg a guest’ and ‘biggest cunt’. The group gravitates around a few central characters, one of which is a female referred to as ‘Hannah’ (pronunciation: ˈhænə), who is both the target for derision and a social leader. She is unlike anything I have encountered in all my years of research – to give you a sense of her character, I’ll disclose that she was once refused service in wetherspoons after rolling in at 9am on a pair of heelies demanding a gin and tonic.  But I am developing a fondness for these peoples and their way of lives, and while I work to reaffirm my theory, I am relatively content in their fairly noisy company. Of course, the only true test of whether these two groups are separate species is to test whether they can produce fertile offspring. Thankfully, I brought six Vasilikians with me to Rhodes, four males and two females, and i will begin the process of testing as soon as i can. As ever, I eagerly await news and updates from England. Regards, Dr. Howell-Jones MSc DMa OBE  |
